“The Cameo Story”

(Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

          Once upon a time, in a far off and mystical land known as eBay, there lived an auctioneer known to the people of the land as screamingclockmusic.  He was an honest seller of goods, which set him apart from the multitudes of the other merchants living in eBay.  There were only three types of people that lived in the land.  They were known as sellers, buyers and snipers.  As it is in all societies, in any nation known to man, there was deceit in all of the classes of the people in the land of eBay.  The sellers and buyers had their fair share, where as the snipers as a whole were born of deceit and back stabbing was second nature to them.

          A friend of an associate of the auctioneer screamingclockmusic had, while bargain hunting, acquired a very abused and mistreated instrument known as “The Cameo ST-300” which itself was a poor, at best, imitation of a very popular model of guitar known as a “Stratocaster”. Screamingclockmusic’s associate tried and tried to fix the poor guitar to no avail, it was a hopeless case and was destined to remain in an indefinite state of disrepair.  While talking about the poor Cameo with his associate, the auctioneer proclaimed that with the right approach, a delicate balance of honesty and humor, that even that poor victim The Cameo, could be sold into a loving home.  Thinking this was a preposterous idea the auctioneers’ associate broke out in laughter.  When the laughter subsided, he then wagered with the auctioneer that it couldn’t be done!  The auctioneer, never having been able to pass on a dare, took his associate up on the bet and then set out to work.  Being a headstrong and determined man, the auctioneer very rarely settled for no as an answer when it came down to business and he certainly wasn’t going to settle on this challenge!  As soon as the auctioneer set out on his quest, he became obsessed with the visions of victory, that played over and over in his mind.  So bent was he on winning that he became consumed by the vignette that danced around each and every thought he had.  The auctioneer, should he fold in defeat could not hold his head up in public on this wager, all that he was, was riding on this one particular challenge and he wasn’t going down without a fight!  So bulletins were posted throughout the village announcing the week long sealed bidding, as was the custom for the land of eBay.  Screamingclockmusic had carefully crafted the bulletins that he had posted so that they not only showed photos of the Cameo from it’s worst possible vantage point, the description also took a lighthearted yet honest portrayal of the instrument as he saw it.  He had found that delicate balance and was sure that all would go as planned.  Now all he had to do was to wait for victory to come to him.  Life was good! 

 Several days passed by without so much as a nibble on the Cameo. Now the auctioneer started to second-guess himself.  Had he over stepped his bounds this time? Had he let his mouth do his thinking for him?  Only time would tell and out of the starting gate, it wasn’t looking good for him as humble pie was his least favorite thing to eat.  Then out of nowhere, finally, the moment he had hoped beyond hope for had arrived!  He got a bid on the Cameo, he had won and therefore foolishly gave little thought to the twisted and uncertain road that lie ahead!  Cynical as he was, even he couldn’t have imagined the turn that the next few weeks held in store.

          There turned out to be three bids before the week long sale had concluded.  Even the auctioneer was surprised as this had far surpassed his wildest expectations.  The first bid that came to pass was from a buyer known as “uncle fecal skull”, whose references from previous transactions showed him to be as honest a buyer as screamingclockmusic was a seller.  He couldn’t have been happier.  As the auction was drawing to a close a bid was placed in the eleventh hour by a new buyer to the territory known as “chkoutmy methane melody”.  Being new to the village, no one knew what he looked like and he had very little in the way of references.  Being caught up in all the imagined glory that the auctioneer was basking in, he gave this little mind as he continued to gloat over his guaranteed victory.  Had he been in his normal state of mind he would have certainly caught wind of the stench that was beginning to surround the whole deal.  As the sale came to it’s conclusion, screamingclockmusic attempted to make contact with chkoutmy methane melody through the prescribed methods of the land.  After several attempts with no response, screamingclockmusic giving chkoutmy methane melody more time and consideration than was law in the land, reported him to the proper authorities as a deadbeat buyer.  The authorities found in their investigation that chkoutmy methane melody was not only a rogue sniper but that he was also under the age limit to engage in any commerce within the village limits.  Not to worry thought the auctioneer.  Now that the auction was over, he was allowed to open all the sealed bids and found that chkoutmy methane melody had sniped uncle fecal skull to within a mere 50 cents of where he had taken the high bid.  Common courtesy then dictated as was the custom to give the next highest bidder the option to purchase the item as a second chance offering.  The etiquette of commerce within the village is common knowledge to all who reside there and stipulates that if your intention is to decline the offer that you notify the seller in a timely manner of your decision so the seller may list the item for sale again.  Failure to do this keeps the seller in limbo for three full days where he can’t do anything one way or another.  Once the offer is made the recipient has this time frame to act or change his mind and the seller is obligated to keep the offer open for that period of time.

      Uncle fecal skull, though an honest buyer, lacked proper social skills and hung the auctioneer out to dry for the full duration of the three days.  Screamingclockmusic was not at all happy with uncle fecal skull but had no recourse, that’s just the way it was and the auctioneer just had to accept that.  Well needless to say the three days dragged on for an eternity.  Finally the auctioneer could re-list the item for another sale.  So bulletins were once again posted throughout the village announcing the week long sealed bidding.  Having been brought down to earth rather harshly by the two melee’s that had previously ensued, the auctioneer doubted that he would be able to pull it off for a second time but was compelled to try just the same.

          This time around the bidding started fast and furious. A buyer from the  village known as “chrisehlasnick” said that he admired the auctioneers honesty and sense of humor so much, that he had to contact him and just had to bid on the item for the sheer comedy of it all.  Once again the auctioneer was elated.  That was short lived because the next sealed bid that came in was from the inconsiderate buyer uncle fecal skull.  Since he was already in correspondence with the buyer chrisehlasnick and since chrisehlasnick seemed trustworthy enough he set out to conspire with him against uncle fecal skull.  Even though this was in contrast to all that screamingclockmusic stood for, he wanted revenge and would jump through any hoop to get it!  So he contacted chrisehlasnick, who with an equally warped sense of humor as screamingclockmusic thought it sounded like poetic justice and readily agreed.  The auctioneer told chrisehlasnick to outbid uncle fecal skull at any cost and he would pay only the first price of the first sealed bid that he had entered.  Which turned out to work in the favor of chrisehlasnick.  As it turned out both uncle fecal skull and chrisehlasnick were sniped by a well known sniper known as “green blob”.  So as it turned out chrisehlasnick, when all bids were made public, had made an initial bid of $1.00 and even though he had been sniped up to over twelve times that amount the auctioneer being a man of his word, would not accept more than the first bid of $1.00 from the buyer chrisehlasnick.  So with all concerned, happy at accomplishing what they had both set out to do, arranged a meeting and transacted their business (see photos 1, 2, 3) shook hands and promised to keep in touch.  And they both lived happily ever after.

The Moral of the Story

          Always try to conduct yourself and your affairs in an honest manner.  Although you may not get as far or rich as those who skirt integrity, you’ll always be able to look at yourself in the mirror.  And having a sense of humor will always get you further than not having one at all.  

 photos by Dave Preston and Carolyn Harvey